David Hasselhoff Facts

David Hasselhoff can be considered one of the great stars of our time (if you live in the 90s). The man who's viewership spans millions, who's songs can actually be appreciated (albeit only in Germany, but hey, they have the Mercedes, so they must have SOME taste), and the man who's chest hair can get a girl wet on sight.

So obviously, a man of such great caliber deserves to be among greats such as Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. And so, it is with great pleasure, I present to you... the DAVID HASSELHOFF FACTS

1. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
2. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
3. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.
4. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead.
5. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh!t.
6. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
7. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammy's are for queers."
8. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.
9. David Hasselhoff once sang his way out of a glass cave breaking the glass with high notes.
10. David Hasselhoff got the role in Knight Rider because his balls looked best in tight jeans.
11. David Hasselhoff is the real reason Pamela Anderson has Hepatitis.
12. Every morning, David Hasselhoff shaves a sheep for a fresh curly wig.
13. David Hasselhoff once tried to walk on water.
14. At his audition for Knight Rider, David Hasselhoff pretended that his penis was the car Kitt because he swore he heard voices coming from it. Afterwards, the producers of the show said that this was the first time in a non-porno audition where the penis out acted the man.
15. The reason people tore down the Berlin wall was to get away from David Hasselhoff's singing.
16. David Hasselhoff actually plays all the women in Baywatch.
17. David Hasselhoff once performed as a singing stripper. The witnesses are now impotent.
18. David Hasselhoff can breathe under water if he's horny.
19. When David Hasselhoff goes to the gym he only beefs up his balls.
20. David Hasselhoff can play piano with his teeth.
21. Each time someone goes swimming nude David Hasselhoff isn't in the water.
22. David Hasselhoff can't fight. Instead, he has evolved to the point that his "singing" is used to scare predators away.
23. David Hasselhoff was jealous of Kitt, from Knight rider. Only because the car's voice had better acting ability than he did.
24. Kitt was once equipped with rocket launchers, flame throwers and sub machine guns, but had to be unequipped, as he was constantly trying to kill David Hasselhoff. He figured it would "purify the meatbag species".
25. When David Hasselhoff was in high school, he had the lead in the senior play. The theather was filled to the max, sadly there were no survivors after the play except for Hasselhoff and a deaf janitor.
26. The Kracken in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is not a mythical sea creature, but instead David Hasselhoff's chest hair trying to make a career comeback after being left to die alone in the ocean when Baywatch stopped filming.

Most of these are taken from here and here, and much credit is given for coming up with this (if they did)